Continuing on from my posts over the last few weeks my next topic I would like to talk about is pregnancy after miscarriage.
As you will know from reading my previous blogs. In September 2015 I suffered a miscarraige, which led me to be hospitalised.
The thought of ever being pregnant again after that experience scared the hell out of me. Would the baby be okay this time? Would I cope with the worry? Could I go through heartbreak again if anything went wrong? So many questions nobody could possibly have the answers to. I think the thought of not having any control over the situation completely terrified me the most.
Well in March 2016 after what I thought to be a sickness bug I caught off of Riley and couldn’t shift I went to the doctors where they told me to do a test (I couldn’t look) had a feel of my tummy and told me I was around 10 weeks pregnant! You have to be kidding me I was out the previous weekend for my best friends birthday and drunk extremely heavily. I was in complete shock and then overcome with guilt what had I done? What damage could I of done to my unborn baby? I didn’t even know I was pregnant due to my PCOS (please refer to my previous post Living With PCOS) my periods where so irregular. I sat infront of the doctor and sobbed.
After sitting with the doctor for 10 minutes explaining my feelings and her reassuring me and giving me some advice and information on pregancy after miscarriage I felt more positive and left the doctors.
As soon as I left I called Ben (he was working away) and told him our news. He was absolutely over the moon and said he guessed I may of been due to being a dragon the last few weeks.
When he came home we sat down and talked about our news and explained how I was feeling he was so amazing he seemed to understand where I was coming from, supported me and it was agreed we wouldn’t make our news public until we had our first scan. We just told close family and friends (those that are always there for us).
Up until we had our first scan I found it extremely hard to feel excited or accept it if I’m honest even though my morning sickness was in full swing. I struggled to even talk about being pregnant with those nearest and dearest to me in case they could sense the lack of excitement in my voice. I just had to keep my wall up in case I’m dealt with heart brake again and I didn’t know if my heart could take it again. I was extremely emotional constantly thinking of the what if’s but I had no control over what happened and all I wanted more than anything was that sense of control.
Ben and my dad was the only ones I really opened up to and in all honestly without them I do feel I would of had a break down. It’s really important to open up to someone, anyone!
There support and everyone else’s was amazing and really helped me get over the feelings I was having but what really helped was going to the hospital for my first scan and the lady tell me our baby was healthy and has a strong heartbeat. The weight that lifted off my shoulders at that very moment words cannot describe. I held Ben’s hand watched our little baby on the screen and saw the little heartbeat flicker and I sobbed my heart out with relief and joy. My wall had finally came crashing down and it sunk in. I was pregnant, I was going to be a mum again, Ben was going to be a dad again and Riley was finally going to be a big brother.
It finally sunk in we where having a little rainbow baby.
Look at his little face he was so happy to know he was going to be a big brother. I just hope and prayed that nothing went wrong now it was all out in the open.
Our little baby was perfectly fine and healthy my whole pregancy. I didn’t have a easy pregancy (but that’s for another blog).
However I did struggle with my emotions. I was like a yo-yo one minute I was extremely happy and excited and the next I was worrying and scared and trapped in my own thoughts. I felt terrible as I felt I was bringing a downer on our happy occasion for Ben and that made me sad and emotional to. Even if I was Ben didn’t show it and continued to support me throughout. He was sensitive a listening ear honestly I cannot phrase him enough for all he done for me and put up with. He truly was my rock.
We had a healthy baby girl in November 2016 and she was absolutely perfect and healthy. I finally had our rainbow baby in my arms and I felt like I was never going to let her go.
If anyone is currently thinking about pregancy after miscarriage you can do it don’t doubt yourself!
If anyone is currently pregnant with their own rainbow baby firstly congratulations and secondly don’t overthink things you have no control over and talk, talk to your partner, family members, friends and doctors of your feelings and worrys it’s natural to feel the way you do. But most of all enjoy your pregancy and bond with your baby.