So it’s been 6 months to the day since our little Layla was born and I have had a moment tonight to reflect on what my body actually went though that day and how the thought of being intimate after giving birth can scare the life out of anyone who’s just pushed a real life person out your vagina/flower/mooey/peanut what ever you people call yours.
Despite begging the midwives to sew your flaps shut so you never have to experience pain like that again they decline, to then to just ask to add a extra stitch to make sure your not loose for that all important reunion of cock meeting fanny after the recent mutalation. They reassure you that if you do go on to have another the next baby it won’t just fall out and that your fanny will, at some point – go back to ‘normal.’ You may not believe it at the time but it is true 😬
For the first couple of weeks, your fanny will be the last thing on anyone’s mind – except of course, yours – every time your beautiful battered front bottom touches a seat and you feel like you’ve sat on glass. Having to find that comfy spot to have a pee meaning one cheek resting on the seat while the other leg is up in the air and your having to pour warm water down your fanny while you pee to stop that all mighty sting… it isn’t pretty girls. No one informs you how unglamorous it is to have a child from a woman’s point of view.
As a result, your mind will not be on sex at this period of your life more wishing the day where you could feel human having a pee rather than feeling like a dog cocking it’s leg to have a pee or being able to sit down without making that crap I didn’t sit down properly squeak.
But Life is a cruel mistress, and a mistress that favours mankind and their serpents – because while you are wincing everytime you perch anywhere, your partners dick has remained unscathed from the act of making babies and every opportunity that snake in his pants has it will grow when your in his presence to remind you it’s still there and it’s ready to devour its prey…
So a man has needs (like they keep on and on and on reminding us about), and you can only put off a mans need to hump for so long.
However If he ever says your fanny may be out of action but your mouth is not… give him I can’t believe you fucking said that to me and if you put that devil stick anywhere near my face I’m going to bite it off you cheeky git and I will make you wait even bloody longer stare! Cause Let’s face it men can be so selfish sometimes 😂
So you put a brave face on and decide to take one for the team because you feel this isn’t going to be pretty. It isn’t. Your partners face though is likely to look like they are about to have Birthday, Christmas and new year all wrapped up into one evening and after giving strict instructions to your lover not to touch your legs (hairy) or tits (aching and most likely milking) you engage in the ol’ slap and tickle. With minimal slapping and/or tickling.
Thinking about it though it would be funny to solider through the tit pain just so u can get him in the face with your breast milk… 10 points for anywhere on the face, extra 25 for the eyes, 15 up the nose and 50 if u get it in his mouth 🙊
But Lets be real ok, it was never gonna be a hot passionate session with your souls reconnecting in a way that makes the stars shine and your legs go weak. It’ll probably feel like your Partner has introduced a red hot poker up your chuff, but don’t PANIC.
Forget about your titties nesting in your armpits, because it’ll feel alright again the next time or at some point before your kid moves out or in most cases brings the new girlfriend/boyfriend into the home and they start having their own little family.
Forget about the feeling of why am I allowing something shoved in when I’ve just shoved my baby out… I don’t want another one in there!! Accidents do happen you know.
You see people a fanny is a magical thing, they change and they grow and they do crazy stuff – some fannies are experts at ejecting babies and others make their name ejecting ping pong balls (personally I think ping pong balls are not very ambitious when us women pop babies out but hey that’s me!)
Sooooo it feels horrendous the first time, uncomfortable and your so tense because you think it’s going to make you scream (not in the way your thinking about either dirty.. but in pure pain) but you have a kid now – so you can avoid it forever by hearing ‘baby cries’ or accept that you will be having quickies for the next 18 years.
And by quickies I literally do mean the 5 minutes you get while peppa pigs on and you know damn well your child isnt going to shout spit shit or want for anything while those annoying little pigs jump in those bloody muddy puddles!
Look at it this way, if it felt dreadful forever then no one would ever have more than one kid would they?
Heres mine and Ben’s little cockblocks. And I honestly wouldn’t change them for the world they mean everything to me.
And just remember girls if all else fails and you don’t get your mo-jo back you can always get him a Harmony Robot 😂😂😂